Right off Center

My Year in Review

2010-03-08T00:58:00.002-07:00

12 Months ago, St. Patrick's Day.

Most people do a "Year in Review" at New Year's. Well, if you know me at all, you know I usually don't go with the norm. I prefer to do my review around my birthday. I've got 9 days (give or take) until my 32nd birthday (geez I'm getting old).

This year has been a cluster-cuss of things, good and bleh.

Last year, birthday time, I was dating my first politician who will remain nameless for many reasons. I was at his house. I had fallen asleep on the couch. When I awoke, he was gone, but his mother was there. Mind you, I had never met this woman before. She told me I was ruining his life and that I needed to remove his number phone my phone and leave his apartment. Yep, he had his MOM break up with me. Funny thing, we had already pretty much ended things. CRAZY! The best thing that happened from this experience? During our brief relationship, we were looking at his Facebook friends, and I happened to notice one of his friends status. Curtis Haring. I recall it being funny. I started following him on Twitter and found him humorous. I wouldn't say I "internet stalked" him, but I did develop a mild crush on him....yeah, that's crazy talk, but...what do you do?! I have to leave the first politico nameless for the obvious reason of the current politico boyfriend. In August, my dear friend, Misty Fowler, made the impossible happen. She arranged a meeting with me and Curtis. We've been together ever since. Curtis is caring, attentive, driven, fun-loving, quick-witted, big-hearted, genuine and full of life. Basically, everything the other guy wasn't. The reason I feel it necessary to drudge up what happened a year ago, is to show how my world has changed for the better, as far as my taste in men.

Shortly after my emotionally stunted man experience, I noticed a horrible pain radiating in my upper right abdomen. I don't have my gallbladder or appendix anymore, so I was taken back a little. I took ibuprofen and hoped for the best. I became violently ill and couldn't even keep down anti-nausea medication. I ended up in the Emergency Room at St. Mark's thinking I was going to die. When they did my lab work, the doctor came in and told me my liver enzymes were extremely elevated, particularly my alkaline phosphatase. On the high end, the value is usually around 165. Mine was 876. A CT scan was ordered. The results were a little concerning. The was something going on with my pancreas. I have just enough medical knowledge to know I was freaked out. The doctor on call said there was really nothing that could be done in the hospital that I couldn't do at home, but push fluids. He then ordered an MRI and liver biopsy for the next day and discharged me into my dad's (aka Big Wave Dave) care. Long story short, the liver biopsy was inconclusive. The MRI however, showed an obstruction in one of pancreatic ducts which was causing my liver enzymes to be completely outta whack. The next step was surgery to fix it. Like I said, I have enough medical knowledge to know that when you mess with your pancreas, also known as the "God organ," it's a big, freaking deal. I consulted with two different surgeons, and decided to go with Dr. Robert Naylor. I have a special history with this guy. He did all of my mom's cancer surgery. I felt that he was the most capable, and had an intimate history with my family. On June 22, 2009, he and Dr. Jason Wills, a new and promising, GI doc, opened me up and fixed my pancreas.

I wouldn't say the following few months after that were a cake-walk, but my Alk-phos, ALT, AST and all of my blood values soon returned to normal. The only crappy part?? Pancreatitis! ACK! The surgeons told me the morning of the surgery that "might" be a complication. Sure enough, I spent a total of 45 days in the last 11 months in the hospital with pancreatitis. I'm happy to report though, that as of last week, my amylaze and lipase were in normal range and I'm feeling great! I have to say, having Curtis through the last bout in February was a great support and it sped up the recovery.

Through the last 12 months, I have learned who my friends are. I had a dear friend who turned her back on me in my time of need, but at the same time, 8 new friends and 2 "old" friends stepped up to the plate when it counted. Thank you! I wouldn't have stayed true to my recovery.

Speaking of recovery, I celebrated my 2nd "birthday" in recovery. I don't know that I've stuck to the tried and true recovery saying of "Keep it Simple," but as a recovering addict, sometimes the chaos doesn't allow us that luxury. It hasn't been easy through the surgeries and pancreatitis. Having someone else take care of my pain meds and tapering me off them to avoid a relapse has truly been a challenge, I'm not going to lie, but it has truly been worth it. I have Big Wave Dave, my dad, my rock, to thank for keeping me in check. I threw fits and cried and bitched and moaned, but he stuck to his guns. I'm very fortunate to have him.

Yes, this last year has been a whirlwind. I'm looking forward to what this next 12 months has to offer. I think it will bring a great many things. Positive things. I'm optimistic. For the first time, I'm truly content. It's taken 32 years to find the love of my life, peace and contentment.

May the road rise up to meet you

May the wind be always at your back

May the sun shine warm upon your face

May the rains fall soft upon your fields

And until we meet again

May God hold you in the hollow of His hand

-Irish Blessing

Infamous Facebook Notes

2009-12-21T05:51:00.001-07:00

So, I had a horrid case of insomnia...therefore, I was checking out my more humorous friends on Facebook. I started reading their notes. Some of them surveys, some of them random notes...I have to admit I had a good chuckle. Hope you will too!!!

**Please note: My friends share my sarcastic/cynical humor**

Another disingenuous survey - Scott

Monday, September 28, 2009 at 11:46pm

So be honest, do you have a girl?
I found one in a box of Cracker Jacks. I'm collecting all 4.

What did your last text say?
It said, "So be honest, do you have a girl?"

Is there someone you wouldn't mind kissing right now?
Ooh, fresh!

Think back to June. Who did you like?
Like OMG111

Do you fall for people easily?
People? No.

If you are sitting on the porch and see an ant, do you squash it?
I eat it.

What's on your mind right now?
I'm thinking about going to the bathroom. What's your view on that?

Is there a person of the same sex who means a lot to you?
Anyone who likes the same kind of sex as me means a lot.

Do you think anyone has feelings for you?
Who doesn't.

How late did you stay up last night?
I partied all the time.

Do you smoke crack everyday?
Never on a Sunday.

Have you ever cried so much you threw up?
No, but I threw up so much that I laughed.

Would you rather be mad or sad?
Glad.

If you could go back in time and change something, would you?
I'd move into a place in St George that wasn't located on top of an ancient spider burial site.

Have you ever got a D or E on your report card?
Have I ever got? You have, apparently.

Were you happy when you woke up today?
I'm still not happy about it.

Do you believe in true love?
I believe in false love.

What does your hair look like right now?
Disheveled, like a chi-mo.

Do you think you will be in a relationship 3 years from now?
Why aren't you asking me if I think I'll be alive in 3 years? Let's not get too ambitious, please.

Would you kiss anyone you have texts from in your phone?
Are we really talking about kissing? Really? Talk to me in 6 years when you've gotten your first venereal disease, kiddo.

Honestly, if you could go back one month and change something would you?
I'd go back and kill the 15 year old who gave me a cookies and cream shake at Iceberg instead of cookie dough.

What's your third text say?
Call me --Love, Satan

What are you supposed to be doing right now?
Killing bugs who are all conveniently the same exact color as my carpet.

Is tomorrow gonna be a good day?
Today I didn't even have to use my A-K.

Do you secretly like someone?
Die.

Can you recall the last time you liked someone a lot?
Yeah, I just think of the last time I felt massive disappointment and go back a couple months from there.

Is something wrong with you right now?
Nothing a little Levitra can't cure...(cough).

What are you listening to?
Classic rock by ugly people, so you know it's good.

What's your mood right now?
I'm filled with mirth.

You find out your ex is having a kid with someone you don't like, you say?
Ok, so two people I don't like are having a kid.

Could you last in a relationship for over a year?
Only if they promised I could kill them at the end of the year.

Do you remember the name of your first school you ever went to?
Fair Oaks School For Illegal Immigrants and Children of Parents Too Dumb to Get an Intradistrict Transfer

Were you single on your last birthday?
I'll tell you when I have my last birthday.

Tomorrow is?
Another excruciating day closer to death. LOL.

What were you doing at 12:00am last night?
Hiding from spiders on my orange couch.

Are you lying to yourself about something?
There's not nearly enough room to list all those.

Who was the first person you talked to this morning?
Myself.

Do you like anyone right now?
Good thing you haven't asked this question 8 times already, or someone might be getting pissed by now.

Miss anyone right now?
I always hit my target.

Last person you saw?
The man in the mirror. Sniffle.

Who has hurt you the most?
Brett Favruh.

Has a tragedy ever happened in your life?
I went to Del Taco and some douche 15 year old put lettuce in my tacos when I asked him to hold the lettuce.

Are you happy?
I'm herpe.

Are there some songs you can't listen to because they remind you of someone?
Enter Sandman reminds me of that time when my dad put my bed out on the freeway and I woke up just as a big rig was about to hit me.

Ever been told someone loved you?
Yeah, but it was a wrong number.

Do you ever think about the past?
Only to plot revenge against those who have wronged me. Like the Del Taco guy. Dammit.

Does anyone know your password besides you?
Just Jesus.

Was last night terrible?
I don't know, try being 6'2" and sleeping on a tiny orange couch made of pleather.

Who was the last person to lay in bed with you?
I knew I should've asked her name.

What were you doing when you found out Michael Jackson was dead?
Holding my hands on Michael Jackson's throat and squeezing.

Do you want to talk to someone right now?
Only if it's a $150/hr shrink. That does a lot of good.

Would you rather sing or dance in front of 100,000 people?
Strip.

Would it be more likely of you to fail Science or Math?
Neither. You, on the other hand, are certain to fail English.

Do you have any friends who you secretly dislike?
Yeah, especially the ones reading this survey.

Do you currently like someone who doesn't know you exist?
I like someone who doesn't exist.

Was the last place you kissed somewhere romantic?
Bathrooms can be quite romantic.

What's your middle name?
You thought I was gonna say Danger, didn't ya. It's Danger.

Do you know anyone who got an abortion?
Your mom.

What would happen if you had a baby with the last person you kissed?
She'd probably be Mexican.

Has anyone ever told you you have pretty eyes?
The guy who told me to squeal like a pig.

Was your last kiss drunk or sober?
My last kiss had way too much to drink, especially for a kiss. Kisses should never drink. Then it got behind the wheel, and well, you know, nothing good ever comes of that. Ho ho ho, sigh.

********************************************************************************

Online Dating - Scott

Tuesday, November 24, 2009 at 12:33am

Years of online dating have helped me compose a profile for one of those LDS singles web sites that will most assuredly make the Mormon girls swoon. And here it is...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

A little about me...

I'm an astronaut with 3 PhD's in Rocket Science, Brain Surgery, and Women's Studies. In my spare time, I pay old ladies to let me mow their lawns. I'm fabulously wealthy but somehow have endless amounts of time to spend with that special someone, whoever she might be.

I love children, especially ones who aren't mine and have behavioral problems, preferably on multiple medications. Speaking of being medicated, I love people who put lists of demands and deal breakers on their profiles, worded as belligerently as possible so that their resentment drips off my computer screen.

I'm always romantic, never say the wrong thing, never make mistakes, and my goal in life is to develop a personality so vanilla that I can blend seamlessly and uncontroversially into your circle of friends and family. And you are always right, especially during that time of the month, when you're even more right than usual.

How I feel about the Church...

Well, you know how it is. Haha, just kidding. I know you don't.

I've received my perfect church attendance award every year except 1998. That was the year a plane crashed into my house, causing me to miss Priesthood meeting one week. I'm still haunted by it (missing Priesthood, not the plane crash).

What I do for fun...

I love lame pop music and lazily written romantic comedies. I'm also quite fond of trips to the mall where my significant other works in conjunction with the in-house gay clothes folder to help me look gayer.

On this site, I like to view all the profiles of girls under 25 so that I can be thought of as "creepy" by as many women as possible.

I wish I had a wiener dog. That's true.

************************************************************************************************************

Another fascinating survey - Kristin

Tuesday, May 12, 2009 at 1:23pm

Finish the sentence:

Hi, my name is:
Slim Shady

My eyes are:
baby poo colored. and practically blind

I want to have kids:
when I'm not around screaming ones

I wish I was:
taller

Currently I am:
supposed to be working. clearly that is not happening

I love:
Food. Lots of it. Oh, and Ron.

Never in my life have I :
been able to do the splits

My favorite animal is:
one that resides outdoors or in a tank or cage

My favorite color(s) are:
black. like my soul

Right now, I am listening:
to no one. really no different than usual.

If you're gonna talk shit about me:
make it REALLY juicy, please

The one person who can drive me nuts:
One?? You think there is only ONE??

When I'm nervous:
I pee on the carpet

The last song I listened to was:
something by Mozart

If you were to get married today your maid of honor/best man & bridesmaids/groomsmen:
Sigh

My hair is:
SOOOO ready to be colored again!! 5 more days...

When I was 4:
I started kindergarten. Big mistake, mom and dad

My mom:
Is very compassionate

My dad:
Is hilarious

Last Christmas:
I gave you my heart, but the very next day, you gave it away....

I should be:
working

When I look down:
I see a fabulous rack.

The happiest recent event was:
uh...my boss leaving for the surgical center this morning

My current annoyance is:
my messy desk. and my messy house

The thing I want to buy is:
a one-way ticket to somewhere tropical

If you visited the place I grew up:
take a gun

Most recent thing I've bought myself was:
tampons. hey, you asked.

Most recent thing someone else bought me was:
lunch today. mmmm

If I was an animal I'd be:
less stressed out

Yesterday I:
worked out for 18 minutes and I am so stiff I can barely move today. I. Am. Lame.

Last night I was:
eating super unhealthy greasy food, and then paying for it.

Tomorrow I am:
going streaking through my neighborhood.

Tonight I am:
going to be a lazy slob as always

My favorite piece of jewelery is:
my obnoxious pink ring

I am looking forward to:
bedtime tonight

The one that knows the most about me is:
probably Courtney, but she broke up with me in October

If my special someone were to bring me flowers I would want them to be:
colorful and fun

**************************************************************

My life according to Jimmy Buffett - Me

November 1, 2009 at 7:29pm |

Using only song names from ONE ARTIST, cleverly answer these questions. Try not to repeat a song title. It's a lot harder than you think! Repost as "my life according to (band name)"

Pick Your Artist:
Jimmy Buffett

Are you a male or female:
Treat Her Like a Lady

Describe yourself:
Jolly Mon

How do you feel:
Why Don't We Get Drunk and Screw

Describe where you currently live:
Changes in Latitudes , Changes in Attitudes

If you could go anywhere, where would you go:
Margaritaville

Your favorite form of transportation:
One Particular Harbor

Your best friend is:
Gypsies in the Palace

You and your best friends are:
Son of a Son of a Sailor

What's the weather like:
Last Mango in Paris

What's your favorite time:
It's 5 o'clock Somewhere

If your life was a TV show, what would it be called:
If The Phone Doesn't Ring, It's Me

What is life to you:
Burn That Bridge

Your last relationship:
The Asshole Song

Your fear:
The Pascagoula Run

What is the best advice you have to give:
What Living Is To Me

Thought for the Day:
Knees of My Heart

How I would like to die:
Volcano

My soul's present condition:
Cheeseburger in Paradise

My motto:
The Wino and I Know

*************************************************************************

High School (with the kind of insincere answers you've come to expect)

Wednesday, February 18, 2009 at 10:16pm

Fill this out about your SENIOR year of high school! The longer ago it was, the more fun the answers will be! At the end, choose 10 people (or more) to be tagged.

(To do this, go to "notes" under the tabs on your profile page, copy and paste my note in the body of the note, delete my answers and type yours, tag 10 people [in the right hand corner of the app]. Then click publish.)

IN YOUR SENIOR YEAR DID YOU...

1. Did you date someone from your school?
All the girls from the special ed class

2. Did you marry someone from your high school?
I got married in middle school to the janitor

3. Did you car pool to school?
I usually just stole a car

4. What kind of car did you have?
Your grandma's

5. What kind of car do you have now?
Yours

6. It's Saturday night...where are you now?
In jail

7. It is Saturday night...where were you then?
Breaking into friends' houses to steal their Playboys

8. What kind of job did you have in high school?
The kind that makes you hate people for the rest of your life

9. What kind of job do you do now?
Punjab

10. Were you a party animal?
I was a party favor...I had to do someone a favor to get invited to a party

11. Were you considered a flirt?
Tee hee

12. Were you in band, orchestra, or choir?
I was lame, but not that lame

13. Were you a nerd?
Take a wild stab

14. Did you get suspended or expelled?
If only

15. Can you sing the fight song?
I think it went a little something like this: Go Warriors, rah rah rah, our football team wins once every two years, rah rah rah, our cheerleaders have penicillin IV drips, rah rah rah, and the rest of us are a bunch of queers, gooooooo YV!

16. Who was/were your favorite teacher(s)?
The ones who didn't take roll

17. Where did you sit during lunch?
The garbage can

18. What was your school's full name?
Ygnacio Valley High School For Spoiled Pricks, Bussed-In Minorities, and Middle Class Zombies

19. When did you graduate?
Not long enough ago

20. What was your school mascot?
Riverdance the Drunken Indian Stereotype

21. If you could go back and do it again, would you?
Hahahahahahahahaha

22. Did you have fun at Prom?
It was swell, Beav

23. Do you still talk to the person you went to Prom with?
Dude, I don't even remember her name

24. Are you planning on going to your next reunion?
If I can acquire enough weaponry by then

25. Do you still talk to people from school?
Yeah, but they don't talk to me

26. School Colors?
White and Mexican, with a pinch of Black

****************************************************************

Those are just a sampling.... I love my friends.

Reality

2009-12-16T19:19:00.001-07:00

This time of year always tends to be a little difficult for me for many reasons. My mom, JoAnne, died over 10 years ago and the holidays were "her thing." Seriously, when I was growing up, every room in our house was decorated, including the bathroom. We're not talking gaudy, awful decorations, they were actually pretty tasteful (I think Modern Display and Nordstrom lost a lot of commission and stock when JoAnne died).

I have lots of memories about Jo (I hardly ever referred to my parents as "mom and dad" but rather "Dave and JoAnne"...go figure). Anyway, I recall the Christmas before she died, she knew she was terminal and told Big Wave Dave that she wanted a lot of trees that year. That was Christmas 1998. I remember walking into the house after work that night, and thinking, "Good Lord it looks like Thomas Kincaid threw up in here!" But that's what Jo wanted, lots of trees, big and small and not so real. Reality was scary that year. I get that now. When it was all said and done, we had 74 ( that's right...SEVENTY-FOUR) trees! Big Wave Dave called it the "damn forest."

I guess my reason for telling that story is because I get why she was scared of reality. As I've said in my earlier posts, I had no sense of reality for 12+ years due to a powerful combination of drugs that my doctors told me I NEEDED to survive or that I needed to NOT be sad because my mom had cancer and was dying or had died. I guess what I'm getting at is, this is the first Holiday season where I'm finally dealing with being without a mom. I'm facing it. I'm angry about it, I'm sad...and I realize it's scary, and it's actually okay to feel that way. Reality does suck. Much like my mom, I'm surrounding myself with good things. For me, my boyfriend has kept me sane (well as sane as I can be). My roommate has been amazing...Misty lets me have my breakdowns, and then drags my sorry ass outta bed and keeps me going. See? I'm surrounded by good things. My family is also fantastic. My nephews, Jake and Ben make me so happy. Those boys crack me up. Jake (5 years old) calls me a few times a week, unknown to his parents, just to say "hey". Then, he usually invites me over to, and I quote, "Bake me some cookies, or maybe brownies, because I'm a good kid." They are pure joy.

This is my realization.

Why does Santa say "Ho?"

2009-12-04T16:23:00.000-07:00

If this doesn't put you in the Christmas spirit, NOTHING WILL!!!!!!

Time Flies...

2009-11-12T11:19:00.006-07:00

So yeah, it's been forever since my last post. To briefly update on my whole pancreatic/liver surgery: it was a success!! YAY! There were some complications post-op which landed me in the hospital for 3 weeks...damn pancreatitis, but hey, any time somebody is messing with the "God Organ" in your body, it's bound to have some issues. My summer was pretty much spent at St. Mark's Hospital and Big Wave Dave's house. I have to say, my dad was amazing, and all though I hate to admit it, my stepmom Danna, was actually pretty darned nice as well. The only thing that sucked about living with my dad?? PETE THE PAPILLON! UGH! I hate that dog! When I say, "hate" I don't mean, he's just an obnoxious, yappy dog that I tolerated...I mean, I HATE that dog. I seriously contemplated murder. But...since I don't believe in animal cruelty or needless euthanasia, I put up with him. The final straw was when he looked at me, and seemed to grin and knowingly peed on my Cole Haan sandals. Asshole. ;)

At the end of the summer, I met my boyfriend, Curtis. Holy crap...where has this boy been?! NOT emotionally stunted! Could it be that perhaps, I'm growing out of MY own emotionally stunted phase? Maybe...but I'm not willing to actually admit that I was or am emotionally stunted as of yet. Cool thing about this guy? Despite our differing political views (and yes, they differ)...we get along, and don't feel the need to create chaos to keep things interesting. Sa-weet! Another bonus?? Big Wave Dave and Marty both like him...a lot. I also find it amusing that my nephew, Jake (5), has a man-crush on Curtis. When I show up without Curtis, the first thing Jake does is give me a love and then say "Whewe's Cuhtis?" (he can't pronounce his 'r's), and then when I leave, he says, "Tell Cuhtis hi, and that I miss him." That's saying something. Now, I'm not trying to create the illusion that there aren't slight tiffs every now and then...but it keeps things on an even keel. The only thing I fear is the day when Marty (my brother) and Curtis decide to discuss politics...I will have to stop them. It will get ugly. Curtis is a far left liberal. Marty a far right conservative. Me?? Center to the right. *sigh*

I realize this update is shotty at best...but hey, it's something. I promise to not go 5 months between updates again! :)

Stripes

2009-06-21T11:38:00.003-06:00

Today is Father's Day. Tomorrow, I check into the hospital to undergo major surgery on my pancreas and liver. I have so many mixed emotions today.

First, I'd like to express the love I have in my heart for my dad. I have called him "Big Wave Dave" for as long as I can remember. People often ask me why. There are two theories on this. The first, was when I was little, our first trip to Hawaii, we noticed the famous surf shop called Big Wave Dave's. I had assumed it was because my dad, back in the day was an excellent surfer...HA! yeah, right...growing up in Utah, he had *SO* many opportunities to surf (hey, I was 7, what did I know?). The second, and more likely, theory behind the nickname, comes from when he was the Vice President of JB's Restaurants. They were famous for the "Big Boy" and the Big Boy had a wave in front of his hair...and my dad was responsible for the campaign of "should he stay, or should he go?" when JB's got rid of Big Boy....and our family got to keep a piece of the Big Boy's hair...which happened to be the Big Wave. There ya have it!
I love my dad so much. He has played so many different roles in my life. I even remember being a toddler and having nightmares, rather than going to my mom's side of the bed, I'd go to dad's side and wake him up. I think when my dad and I became really close was when my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer when I was 12 (almost 13). She was sick for 8 1/2 years before she succumbed to her illness and died. Dad had to be both a father and a mother to me. He was also my best friend through a lot of things. My brother and sister were only a year and half in age, and several years older than me, so they had each other...but I knew I could always rely on Big Wave for everything. Dad and I did a lot of fun stuff together...my favorite memories though, come from our many years of traveling with the University of Utah men's basketball teams. We did not miss one basketball game (home or away) from 1992-2003! We also went to our fair share of football games, but basketball was our thing. I have put my dad through Hell and back. I have never followed the rules (so to speak), but he has loved me anyway. I chose to take a different path in life with religion, and Dad respected my decision and guess what?? He still loves me! I know I have kept him awake at night far more than the other kids ever did...but I say, it's probably what has kept him spry in his old age hehe. ;-) I do love my dad, and hope I can make him proud some day and repay the debt I surely owe him.

Now, on to tomorrow. I check into the hospital at 6:00am! That means, I am number 1 on the Operating Room schedule. St. Mark's Hospital has 6 Operating Rooms (yes, I used to work there), and I know who my anesthesiologist is already...so I feel good about that aspect. I also feel good about the surgeons and GI doc who are going to be in OR with me. I'm nervous and anxious about having someone touching my pancreas and liver, because ya just don't get a new one! The good news is, I'm gonna feel so much better after this whole thing. I'm not thrilled about having the 14 inch incision going up and down, but hey...if it's gonna decrease pain and nausea, I'm all over it!

In the military, after you've put in your service, or worked hard, you earn a stripe. After tomorrow, perhaps, I'll have earned a stripe or two of my own in life. I want to take an opportunity to publicly say thank you to: Dad, Jodi & Don and their girls; Marty & Jenny and their boys; Grandma Kreutzer; my many friends...but I would horribly re missed if I didn't specifically name Kristin, Jake, Jeremy, Dana, and John. You have all done more for me than you will ever know on my never ending journey!

More than likely, you'll get an update while I'm on Morphine and/or Dilaudid (so I apologize in advance for any slurred typing :)

Quotes

2009-06-05T14:53:00.003-06:00

A few of my fave quotes....

"In prosperity your friends know you; In adversity you know your friends." -My mom

"Do not fear what may happen tomorrow. The same loving Father who cares for you today, will care for you tomorrow and every day. Either He will shield you from suffering or He will give you unfailing strength to bear it. Be at peace, then, and put aside all anxious thoughts and imaginings." - St. Francis de Sales

"A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing." -George Bernard Shaw

"Baseball teaches us, or has taught us, how to deal with failure. We learn at a very young age that failure is the norm in baseball and, precisely because we have failed, we hold high regard those who fail less often-those who hit safely in one out of three chances and become star players. I also find it fascinating that baseball, alone in sport, considers errors to be part of the game, part of its rigorous truth." – Francis T. Vincent Jr.

"The power of accurate observation is commonly called cynicism by those who have not got it." -George Bernard Shaw

And from the quote master himself...Rick Majerus:

"If ifs and buts were candy and nuts, we'd all have merry Christmases" -Rick Majerus

Surveys ;-)

2009-06-02T21:17:00.007-06:00

m'kay...I'm on Facebook (along with just about everyone else I know). I ALWAYS get requests to do those surveys. I think people really want you to be serious...I, of course, am a smartass. You haven't really had a chance to see that in my previous entries (mainly because I've felt like crap, therefore, my personalty just hasn't been shining through...). I decided to post a few of those surveys just for shiz and giggles...enjoy!
SURVEY ONE:
Finish the sentence:
Hi, my name is: The Real Slim Shady
My eyes are: Asay Blue
I want to have kids: Eventually
I wish I was: shorter and fatter
Currently I am: supposed to be working. clearly that is not happening
I love: emotionally stunted men
Never in my life have I : been able to understand the purpose of flies
My favorite animal is: Toonces
My favorite color(s) are: Red, and earwax yellow
Right now, I am listening: the gentle hum of my computer
If you're gonna talk shit about me: do it behind my back, because I'm already paranoid, so give me something to be paranoid about!
The one person who can drive me nuts: Duh! YOU!
When I'm nervous: I chatter incessantly...wait, I do that anyway, but I do it more when I'm nervous
The last song I listened to was: The Les Miserables soundtrack
If you were to get married today your maid of honor/best man & bridesmaids/groomsmen: My hair is: still growing out, so it's kinda in an ugly stage...but I do like the color!
When I was 4: I had a fro!
My mom: Is rolling over in her grave right now...probably why the tree she is buried by died....
My dad: Is funny, and he's my boss, so he's probably gonna be mad when he see's the time I spent doing this survey
Last Christmas: I saw Valkery (or however it's spelled)
I should be: thinner with the amount of food I consume, and then vomit (and NO, I am NOT bulimic...damnit)!

When I look down: I see tiny little feet...seriously, my feet are friggin small

The happiest recent event was: I had a happy recent event?
My current annoyance is: my messy car
The thing I want to buy is: a new car
f you visited the place I grew up: You wouldn't have to go far...
Most recent thing I've bought myself was: Diet Coke, or I call it, "Holy Water"
Most recent thing someone else bought me was: Well, dad recently paid the unpaid insurance portion for my liver biopsy...does that count?
If I was an animal I'd be: A COUGAR! roar! (yes, my last 3 relationships have been with guys at least 5 years my junior)
Yesterday I: Donned an orange vest and played in traffic
Last night I was: contemplating flaking out on a pseudodate that I have to go on tonight, mainly because Kristin told me that I have to kiss the guy....(inside joke...or is it?)
Tomorrow I am: Putting on the orange vest again and playing in one of three high traffic areas...I love my "PR" job heheh
Tonight I am: going on a pseudo-date - much to my chagrin
My favorite piece of jewelery is: mom's diamond
I am looking forward to: my friggin liver and pancreatic surgery...get that mo-fo over with!

The one that knows the most about me is: According to the Facebook "How well do you know me?" quiz, it was my stepmom, Danna...but for real, I think it's my friend, Dana, or Kristin...they know WAY TOO MUCH about me!
If my special someone were to bring me flowers I would want them to be: Gerber Daisies...they are happy flowers...not too pretentious!

Thanks for taking time to read my survey...

*********************************************************************************************

SURVEY #2 1. What is your occupation right now? ummm being an awesome daughter so that Bank of Dad keeps funding me! 2. What color are your socks right now? no socks 3. What are you listening to right now? Regina Spektor 4. What was the last thing that you ate? Haven't eaten today...kinda don't have an appetite today 5. Can you drive a stick shift? Yes...heheh there is a story behind it though! 6. Last person you spoke to on the phone? Big Wave Dave 7. Do you like the person who sent this to you? Yes 8. How old are you today? 31...UGH! 9. What is your favorite sport to watch on TV? Everything but NASCAR 10. What is your favorite drink? Diet Coke or water 11. Have you ever dyed your hair? moi? NEVER! :) 12. What is your favorite food? Do I look picky?? 13. What is the last movie you watched? Role Models 14. Favorite day of the year? St. Patrick's Day 15. How do you vent anger? By being a huge bitch, followed by an out-pouring of extreme guilt! 16. What was your favorite toy as a child? He-man 17. What is your favorite season? I'm a Winter person 18. Cherries or Blueberries? neither 19. Do you want your friends to post back? yes 20. Who is the most likely to respond? probably nobody 21. Who is least likely to respond? everyone 22. Living arrangements?All by my lonesome 23. When was the last time you cried? Yesterday 24. What is on the floor of your closet? I think a better question is what ISN'T on the floor of my closet 25. Who is the friend you have had the longest that you are sending this to? Well, I'm not tagging this, so everyone on my facebook has the ability of seeing it...so I'm thinking as far as friends go, Heidi Lawson is probably the oldest friend on here.
************************************************************************************
Survey #3...Finish the Sentence...
1. I've come to realize that my last kiss...was kinda fun. I seriously need a friend with benefits! 2. I am listening to...Marty's playlist...it's pretty good, surprisingly. 3. I talk...probably too much 4. I love funny...people. 5. My best friend/s...don't leave me hanging and don't pass judgment 6. My first real kiss...was rushed and pretty much sucked 7. Love is... really cool 8. Marriage...no comment 9. Somewhere, someone is thinking...Jill rocks! 10. I'll always...give credit where credit is due 11. The last time I really cried was...3/3/09 12. My cell phone...is pretty sweet 13. When I wake up in the morning...I typically really wanna brush my teeth 14. Before I go to bed... I fall asleep to Sex and the City 15. Right now I am thinking... of how to make money without resorting to prostitution. 16. Babies are...innocent 17. I get on Myspace...when Steph posts something on my profile, otherwise I forget I have it 18. Today I missed...my period! YIKES! just kidding!!! Wanted to see if you were paying attention! :D 19. Tomorrow...I'm going to the down there doctor 20. I really want to be...independently wealthy 21. My ex...is a not really a total loss 22. Maybe I should....sell an organ on the black market. 23. I love...lots of things 24. People would say that...money doesn't buy happiness, but it sure helps! 25. I don't understand...why people don't return text messages or phone calls... 26. I lost...my lunch today :( 27. Life is full of...twists and turns, but it's a helluva ride! 28. My past...is colorful 29. I get annoyed when...people assume they know me from one action on a bad day... 30. Parties are... usually a mistake 31. I wish...I were more like my mom 32. Dogs... are cute. 33. Cats...are cute and independent 34. Someone that will most likely re-post this is....bored as well
***********************************************************************************
SURVEY #4 20 Albums that influenced my life 1- The Beatles - Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band 2- Morrissey - Bona Drag 3- NIN - Pretty Hate Machine 4- Jimmy Buffett - Changes in Latitude 5- Barenaked Ladies - Born on a Pirate Ship 6- Phish - Fluffhead 7- Depeche Mode - Enjoy the Silence 8- The Killers - Hot Fuss 9- Beastie Boys - License to Ill 10- Neil Diamond - On the Way to the Sky 11- Barenaked Ladies - Stunt 12- The Beatles - White Album 13- Jimmy Buffett - Last Mango in Paris 14- The Beautiful South - Welcome to the Beautiful South 15- The Eels - Beautiful Freak 16- Smashmouth - Astro Lounge 17- Oingo Boingo - Dark at the End of the Tunnel 18- The B-52's - Whammy! 19- The B-52's - Cosmic Thing 20- The Samples - When It's Raining

Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious...a disease of the Liver!

2009-05-25T22:39:00.000-06:00

Sheesh, I could've saved a lot of time and money just by having watched some SNL reruns ! I haven't updated my blog for awhile, in part it's because I've been busy, and when I'm not busy, I've been feeling kind of "blicky" (as my dear friend, Dr. Meg and I use the word combined from "blah" and "icky"). In part, though, I just haven't wanted to broadcast my official diagnosis onto the internet. Soooo, the good news is that the doctors have located the problems (there are 2), and I am happy to report that after the "yucky" part of my liver is removed, the healthy liver will regenerate and grow a newer, healthier version of itself. Also, there was something up with my pancreas that is going to have to be fixed, and once all that is done, I should be as good as new...no more nausea, pain, elevated liver function tests, etc... My doc is well aware of my opiate dependency and we are going into this with eyes wide open. A plan to be on meds for the duration of my hospital stay and a taper plan upon discharge. I feel pretty good about things.

In other news, my dear old dad...aka Big Wave Dave as I lovingly refer to him, approached me about coming to work for him in his Public Relations company. After a lot of thought, I accepted the offer. It will be an awesome opportunity to get away from myself and focus on the involvement around my community. My official title is "Project Coordinator" I really wanted to be the "Chief Operating Officer", but he said, "No..." :)

I have TONS more that I want to blog about, but Oy Vey, I'm a tired girl tonight!

The NERVE....

2009-04-20T16:38:00.000-06:00

I have NEVER been in the military and will never be in the military, but I have a feeling that after this week is over, I should definitely qualify for a stripe or two!!!

It's already off to a beautiful start ! I was supposed to have a "simple" root canal...HA! FOUR HOURS later I left the dentist office, with yes, a prescription for 12 Percocet!!! The NERVE of the dentist! Giving a drug addict an opiate!! Of course, when it's for a legitimate use, it's not considered relapse, but I've heard the saying, "One is too many and 10 (or 12, in this case) is not enough!" So, after my surge of guilt, I shredded the prescription, and walked back into the office and demanded a script for 800mg of Motrin.

Damn!

After leaving my dentist, with a droopy mouth, I headed to my Bostonian Psychologist's office. He is awesome! For confidentiality purposes, I'll just call him "Mike." I scheduled this appointment specifically for today because of the time of year. Tomorrow (April 21st) will mark the 1oth anniversary of my mom's death from recurrent breast cancer. Last year, I was still detoxing, so I felt kinda crappy...this year, is the first time I'm going to actually "feel" my emotions. I actually feel good about not feeling good...yet, I'm still pissed! Go figure.

I often wonder how Mom feels about what I've done (or haven't done) with my life thus far. Is she proud, angry, sad?? One thing I do know is that before Mom died, she had a few favorite sayings, and 2 requests one which is too private to repeat on this blog, but the other request was, "Remember me with happiness and laughter, for if you can only remember me with tears and sorrow....I'd rather you not remember me at all!" That is going to be my quest tomorrow when I go and put the pink tulips on her grave! Wish me luck!!!

As for the rest of the week, I will update later as to what happens with my liver biopsy. I'm having it on Wednesday. It could reveal nothing, and maybe my enzymes are elevated from medication...or it could be something like autoimmune hepatitis. I'm scared, but I won't live my life in fear anymore.

I do want to express my love for my friends that have stuck by me through some of these difficult times. Another of my mom's wise quotes, "In prosperity, your friends know you; In adversity, you know your friends!"

Take care!

The Spirituality of Imperfection...

2009-04-16T23:05:00.000-06:00

"Baseball teaches us, or has taught us, how to deal with failure. We learn at a very young age that failure is the norm in baseball and, precisely because we have failed, we hold in high regard those who fail less often - those who hit safely in one out of three chances and become star players. I also find it fascinating that baseball, alone in sport, considers errors to be part of the game, part of its rigorous truth!"
-Francis T. Vincent Jr.,
Commissioner of Baseball

I began this blog with a quote from a fantastic book called "The Spirituality of Imperfection." It is a book widely known to alcoholics and addicts exploring a world of recovery. For some, the road has been long and bumpy, for others, short with a few rough patches...or all, unmanageable.

I find myself somewhere in the middle. On March 3, 2008, I started down a path that would forever change my life...TREATMENT for a disease that controlled my life for what seemed an eternity. I remember checking into UNI (University Neuropsychiatric Institute) and thinking, "Oh crap! I'm mixed in with the psychos...and I'm not psycho...ummm what the hell??? THEY ARE GOING THROUGH MY PURSE!!!! OH MY HELL...THEY ARE TAKING AWAY MY PHONE...." Looking back, it's almost comical, but at the time, it was traumatizing. I felt like I had been cruising through life in a Rolls Royce and had now been put in a Ford Pinto!

Well, now, a year later, I am one of the most grateful people alive. Let me say that last part again...ALIVE! When I met with my doctor the day before I was discharged from UNI, he told me two things that stick out in my mind. The first: He said, "Jill, out of 100 patients, do you know where you stand on the amount of prescription narcotics you were taking?" I said, "I dunno, maybe 65ish" He looked me right in the eye and said, "Thank you to your pain clinic, "You are number 96! You should be in a coffin!" My jaw dropped, and I got a feeling of anger and resentment that I never want to feel again.
I entered my Intensive Outpatient Program (IOP) on March 18, 2008, where I met Tammie Dusoe, a brash, but beautiful woman who taught me the meaning of sober that rings true...S.O.B.E.R. = SON OF A BITCH EVERYTHING'S REAL! Sometimes it's scary to be real, an yes, even the happy emotions freak me out sometimes. Please be patient with me! You see, I was void of emotion for most of my 20's, and painted a picture of whatever my friends wanted me to be...if they wanted to see a "funny Jill" that's what they got, if they wanted a "mellow Jill" bring it on, you get the idea. My family had to suffer with the empty eyes. I am so GRATEFUL to be REAL!

I have learned so much from my errors. My judgment had been clouded for so many years. I often say to myself, "if I had to give back everything I've learned, I'd do it again!" Errors are part of the game of life. I don't like that they happen, but they do...none of them are consistent, but they are part of what keeps us honest.

I suppose I'm feeling a bit melancholy tonight (which is why I decided to start this blog). I found out yesterday that I need to have a liver biopsy. My liver enzymes are extremely high. I'm scared. I will keep you posted.